The Official Forum Joke Thread

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Post  KissMyAce on Wed Jun 22, 2011 1:52 am

I might as well kick this off...and let me say, "FIRST!" in telling the first joke in these forums!

So, a man is in his 40s, and is having problems 'getting it up'...he just can't perform in bed any more. He goes to many different doctors, and tries every medication on the market. Viagra barely even gives him a chubby, much less a full-on erection.

He's desperate.

One day, a friend tells him about an old Chinese doctor, with a tiny shop hidden in the depths of Chinatown, who is supposed to be able to cure things that nobody else can cure. The man figures it can't hurt, so he goes to check it out.

After a long search, he finds the Chinese doctor, and explains the situation. He tells about all the other doctors he's visited, all the treatments he's tried...but nothing works. Then he asks, pleading, "Is there anything you can do to help?"

The doctor gives him a wise smile, and says, "Yes, there is an ancient recipe that can help you."

"BUT..."

"...the medication I will give you is extremely powerful, and can cause serious physical harm if used improperly. So I must explain the rules to you first."

Rule One: To activate the medicine, you swallow the pill; then either you or your partner says, "One, Two, Three". Your dick will spring to life and be as hard as when you were a teenager.

Rule Two: To de-activate the medicine, you or your partner just needs to say, "One, Two, Three, Four". Then you will go back to normal.

Rule Three: It is very important that you deactivate the medication within two to three hours...otherwise, it could cause permanent damage.

Rule Four: Because this medication is so potent, it can only be used once each year...more than that will cause strokes and heart attacks. So be sure to use your opportunity wisely, and get the best out of it!

"So...after understanding the rules...do you still want to try it?"

The man is truly desperate...and figures that once a year is better than nothing at all. He agrees, pays the Chinese doctor, and gets his pill. By the time he gets home, it is already evening, and he knows that his wife will already be in bed. He walks in the door, and pops the pill in his mouth. He marches up the stairs, stripping off his clothes as he goes. He strides into the bedroom, stark naked, and sees his wife is laying in bed, reading a book. He says, "One, Two, Three!"...and suddenly his dick springs to life, harder than its been in more than two decades!

His wife, without looking up from her book, says, "Honey...what did you say 'one-two-three' for?"

Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy
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Post  Brichess2 on Wed Jun 22, 2011 2:15 am

I don't get it Question
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Post  KissMyAce on Wed Jun 22, 2011 2:18 am

Brichess2 wrote:I don't get it Question
Rule Two: To de-activate the medicine, you or your partner just needs to say, "One, Two, Three, Four".

"Honey...what did you say 'one-two-three' for?"
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Post  Brichess2 on Wed Jun 22, 2011 4:32 am

oooooooh LOL good one
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Post  Brichess2 on Wed Jun 22, 2011 7:50 am

Two guys named Dave and Bob were sitting in a yard when Bob said "Why are there quotations around what I say?", D.A.V.E. said BLARGGGGHHHH and ate him
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The Official Forum Joke Thread Empty What is politics? Politics simplified!

Post  dfgfhg on Wed Jun 22, 2011 2:53 pm

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, ‘What is Politics?’

Dad says, ‘Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I am the head of the family, so call me The Prime Minister. Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government. We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People. The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we will call him the Future. Now think about that and see if it makes sense.’

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.

Later that night he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him.

He finds that the baby has severely soiled his nappy.

So the little boy goes to his parent’s room and finds his mother asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny’s room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny.

He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy say’s to his father, ‘Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now.’

The father says, ‘Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.’

The little boy replies, ‘The prime Minister is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep crap.’

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Post  mattrocde on Wed Jun 22, 2011 4:04 pm

that is the most realistic joke i've ever heard LOL

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Post  Brichess2 on Wed Jun 22, 2011 6:14 pm

dfgfhg wrote:A little boy goes to his dad and asks, ‘What is Politics?’

Dad says, ‘Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I am the head of the family, so call me The Prime Minister. Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government. We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People. The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we will call him the Future. Now think about that and see if it makes sense.’

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.

Later that night he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him.

He finds that the baby has severely soiled his nappy.

So the little boy goes to his parent’s room and finds his mother asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny’s room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny.

He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy say’s to his father, ‘Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now.’

The father says, ‘Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.’

The little boy replies, ‘The prime Minister is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep crap.’

XD
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The Official Forum Joke Thread Empty Whiskey

Post  angrypenguin on Sat Jun 25, 2011 10:55 am

Jon was excited about his new rifle and wanted to try it out, so he went bear hunting. He spotted a small black bear and shot it. There was then a tap on his shoulder and he turned round to see a larger black bear.
The black bear said "You've got two choices, I either maul you to death or we have sex." Jon decided to bend over.

Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Jon soon recovered and vowed revenge. He headed out on another trip, found the black bear, and shot it. Immediately, there was another tap on his shoulder. This time a big brown bear stood right next to him.

The brown bear said, "That was a huge mistake, Jon. You've got two choices. Either I maul you to death or we'll have rough sex." Again, Jon thought it was better to comply.

Although he survived, it was several months before Jon finally recovered. Outraged, he headed back to the woods, managed to track down the brown bear and shot it. He felt sweet revenge, but then there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned round to find a gigantic grizzly bear standing there.

The grizzly bear said "Admit it, Jon, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?"

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Post  maxstrongman on Sun Jun 26, 2011 3:03 pm

whats green and has wheels?

grass. i lied about the wheels

whats red and smells like blue paint?

red paint.

why did the boy drop his ice cream?

because he got hit by a bus.

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Post  angrypenguin on Sun Jun 26, 2011 7:34 pm

A fat guy, a horney guy, and a stoner all die and go to hell. When they get there, Satan was in a really good mood. He say's to the three guys, "okay, i'm going to lock you in a room for 10,000 years but as i'm in a good mood i will let you take what ever you hold to be the most important things you loved on earth with you, but just for the first 5,000 years."

The fat guy says, "I love food, all kinds of food, Mexican, Chinese, you name it. "Satan says, "Food it is!" and puts the fat guy in a room full of more food than any one person has seen.

The horney guy says, "I love women. I want to be locked in a room with 100 women." Satan grants the request and locks the horney guy in the room with 100 women. The stoner says, "Man, that's easy! i want pot all types of pot, Sativa, indica, skunk, all kinds!" So Satan locks the stoner in a room with two million pounds of pot.

Three thousand years later, Satan comes back to check on them. When he opens the door to the fat guy's room, it was the worst sight Satan had ever seen. The room's full of shit and rotting food. The fat guy now weighs 12,000 pounds and says to Satan, "please help me!" Satan laughs and closes the door.

Next he opens the door to the horny guy's room. "Satan," he pleads, "you got to get me out of here! All the women are three thousand years old and i have thousands of screaming children!" Satan closed the door and laughed.

Now Satan opens the door to the soner's room, but before Satan can open the door he is knocked down by the stoner. The stoner stands over Satan, pulling his hair out, and screams "HEY, MAN! YOU GOT F*CKING A LIGHT?"

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Post  angrypenguin on Thu Jun 30, 2011 1:35 pm

Man and woman have just gotten married but are having dinner before adjourning to their honeymoon suite. During the course of the dinner, the man excuses himself to use the restroom. Once inside he goes to the urinal to relieve himself. As he is doing this, his wife walks in behind him up to the next urinal, looks him in the eyes and says, "I lied."

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